superhero inconsistencies

A way too literal interpretation of popular comic book heroes.

Aquaman

ocean limit:According to Aquaman's stats he can swim 180mph, can stand the tremendous pressure of the ocean depths and can withstand tremendous changes in temperature. First, if you can swim 180mph you must have some legs that can dropkick the world's fattest baby to the moon. This guy has all the stats of being able to kick ass but he never really did. If we are to believe what we see in the movies, there is a lot of shit that goes down at the docks in any major port city. Aquaman only has to come in contact with water once every hour to survive. With all this crime going on in ports around the world you would think he would jump out of the water, go to a Walgreens and buy some Jericurl in a spritz bottle and start kicking some ass in warehouses

cold: fortress of solitude - sure everyone needs their time alone but a goddamn ice palace in the arctic circle? Wearing nothing but some thin ass tights? I think my balls trying to jump ship to try to go kill a walrus to get warm would distract me from my "alone" time. I keep half expecting some Stalinist work camp guard to come out of the ice frame with a bullwhip in one hand and a bowl of potato soup in the other. Why is he not hopping around like an Arab in Moscow? I gets replaced with "give me some fucking moon boots and a Finnish army ski team uniform." No points for not being temperature sensitive.

wonder woman

lasso: If wonder woman was so gung ho on protecting the rights of the innocent why was this thing not used more often? let's see - a rope that forces whoever in it's grasp to tell the truth. First I'd wrap it around Tom Cruise to get him to admit he likes Hot Karl's in men's bathrooms then I'd get Spielberg to admit he's only made two good movies and the rest are shit. Seems like the courts could use this gizmo to help out or incarcerate people. Or imagine some poor guy who has been on death row for 9 years cause some pigs needed to act quick to close a case. Yeah - I think that rope would make his day.

clothes: everytime this chick spun around her clothes burned off revealing what should have been our National Woman's Volleyball Team's uniform. I know I personally do not enjoy shopping for clothes that much as it is, let alone if 2 or 3 times a week I spun around and my jeans spontaneously combusted. And I know girls bitch about how much bras cost - half of her salary must have gone towards replacing incinerated bras.

spiderman

climbing: Ok, color me wacky here but when Peter Parker got bitten by the radioactive spider - he inherited the properties of it. Now this leads me to believe that he himself - as in butt ass naked - had these properties. When he puts on a pair of old school Van's, some old shitkicker boots, or his spiderman uniform, the power of his "naked" feet or hands to provide climbing skills is nullified. Go ahead and try it kids. Go find a daddy long leg and put some Nike's on its feet. If that thing can still climb walls contact the people at Guiness immediately.

flagpoles: I don't know what it was with spiderman's town but they had more flagpoles than 10 United Nations headquarters put together. Oddly enough there never were any flags on these poles - just convenient grips for spiderman to grab onto after the green goblin slapped his ass off his rocket scooter at 1000 feet.

flash

brain: Considering your average american can't even say "A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk" without steam pouring out their ears, I find it hard to believe the flash could run so fast and compute all the visual information at an equal or quicker pace than his moving limbs. Unless this guy was some asian prodigy who could spit out pi to the 67,582th decimal point while simultaneously trouncing 16 players at the World Quake III championships I don't think he'd make it 200 meters at his typical foot speed without running into the side of a bus like a distracted Chris Farley.

thirst: Ok, how many times have we seen the flash running like 450mph for like 800 miles to do some deed of justice? Or even a typical high speed bullet dodge or the old "appear everywhere" trick to confuse the opponent as to his real position. Yet after every one of these exercise I've never once seen the flash slam a 64oz Gatorade. If I run from my apartment to my mailbox and back and I'll need to have fluids replenished intravenously yet this dude jogs to Sri Lanka and buys some extra salty corn nuts when he arrives.