quotes out of context
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This movie was about as "INVENTIVE..."
as a 45 year old suburban soccer mom on valium. A 2 day bout
of "EXPLOSIVE... diarrhea would
be preferred to watching the vapid ...DIRECTION"
of Renny Harlin.
- Roger Ebert, Ebert & Roeper
on "Cutthroat Island"
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"After 20 years "THIS IS THE... mindnumbing
drivel we get? If the BEST" George
Lucas can do is this, he better reapply at Denny's for assistant
fry cook pronto"
- Michael Medved on "Phantom
Menace"
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"SUCH A HUNK" of shit I actually
wished film had never been invented because of it."
- Pauline Kael on "What Women
Want" with Mel Gibson
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After two hours of deep thought, I've finally thought of
something more "EXHILARATING...
than GONE IN 60 SECONDS.... I'd
rather be the coroner who popped open those yellow acid vats
in Dahmer's apartment. The ...HEARTSTOPPING
RUSH... of putrid air would be more REFRESHING...
than one frame of this ...FILM".
- Fred Camper, Chicago Reader on "Gone
in 60 Seconds"
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This movie "COMPELLED ME" to
slam a bottle of Jack and speed down the wrong side of a two-lane
blacktop road with my seatbelt off. The only way "I'D
SIT THROUGH COUNTLESS SUBSEQUENT VIEWINGS" is if
I was hog-tied and placed in front of a television with Clockwork
Orange eye-opener devices fastened to my head.
- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone on "Battlefield
Earth"
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Tonight I spent $7.50 to see "BRIDGET JONES'
DIARY.... I was under the impression that this
bitch was an S&M subordinate detailing her ...BOLDLY
PROVOCATIVE... cross-country trek in search of
a new slavemaster...but it wasn't anything that ...ADVENTUROUS".
At Barnes and Noble after the screening, I came across a book
which detailed how to build your own coffin. My "MONEY...
would've been better WELL SPENT"
on that.
- Scott Foundas, Variety on "Bridget
Jones' Diary"
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While Vince Vaugn is pondering the decision of whether to
rescue his friend in Malaysia by spending 3 years jail time
to free him of a life sentence, I went to the lobby to play
"SUPER" Breakout. Come to think
of it the "RICH" 8 bit colors
of this coin-op ...INTRIGUED ME"
"FAR GREATER THAN... this tediously boring movie.
Horrible ...MIDNIGHT EXPRESS"
wannabe.
- Chris Gore, Film Threat on "Return
to Paradise"
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Hope floats, or more like shit floats. This weighted down
sentimental turd "HITS THE...
bowl and leaves a big enough skid ...MARK"
to disgust even "A CRIME... scene
clean up crew. I made up a urinary tract infection midway
thru just so I was able ...TO MISS"
parts of it to maintain my sanity.
- Len Klady,
Variety on "Hope Floats"
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If I was cremated and my ashes were mixed into cement used
to mold a park bench for Richard Simmons' backyard, I "COULD...
have more high brow intellectual witticisms to ...TALK
ABOUT... after ...4 HOURS"
of Richard's fruity bottom smothering my entirety than this
pathetic attempt at comedy. "I WAS...
thinking I'd rather rewatch The ...Howling"
III: The Marsupials using frame advance on my vcr than "SEE
THIS ROB SCHNEIDER FILM" again.
- Stephanie Zacharek, Salon.com on
"The Animal "
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If the rest of "THIS MOVIE WAS...
as ...RIVETING" as staring at
the shadows trying to escape Joaquin Phoenix's Marianas Trench
of a cleft lip then I might be "A...
bit less ...CRITICAL... for this
poseur ...EPIC". This movie will
"MAKE A WEEKEND... at Bernies
seem like an expertly edited montage ...OF
THIS... and that from the best parts of Apocalypse
...NOW"
- Richard Baimbridge, IndieWIRE on
"Gladiator"
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related material:
alternative
reel's critcal hyperboles
free willy
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