hollow man

SPF 3000 anyone?

Ok, I rented this movie for free from the office in my apartment complex. Felt like taking my brain off for an evening by watching some mindless FX laden crapfest but holy jesus - I felt like my brain had actually gotten sucked out of my skull and was stomped on by Andre the Giant while he had that mom from Gilbert Grape on his shoulders.

The "climax" of this movie has to be absolutely the most mindless display of drivel I've seen since Short Circuit 2. I use climax in jest since there are about 12 different moments at the end of this movie where it should have ended. They all involve deaths but our lead evil invisible dude (Kevin Bacon) somehow seems to have superhuman powers at the end of the movie even though its unexplained and doesn't make sense. Let's dissect the stupidity:

1.

First of all towards the end of the movie one of the subterranean numbnuts starts spraying invisi-boy with a fire extinguisher. Kevin is continually speaking while this chemical spray is chunking all over his body in a super cumulo-nimbus cloud formation. I remember this dude I knew back home, Dinger, who was a brain dead acid freak. Anyway, when I was over one nite his roommate sprayed his ass with the fire extinguisher in his room and then held the door of his room closed from the outside for a couple minutes. When Dinger finally got out he was coughing like a yoga instructor at Morton Downey Jr's house. An ugly cough too - sounded like a couple dingo's ripping apart Rosie Perez. Apparently it's like Primatene Mist to Bacon.

2.

Then...Kevin Bacon gets torched with some homemade flame-thrower contraption thing by Elizabeth Shue. I'm not talking about a light toasting that just singes the tips of his butthair. I'm talking about full fledged Robert Ginty as The Exterminator blue flame torching from 6 feet away. Then Shue steady blasts him about 6 or 7 more times each from close distance. Put a dry block of ramen noodles in your microwave oven. Set the time for 3 hours on high. Take the ramen out and put into your broiler of your oven for 2 more hours. This is how toasted Bacon was. Basically he was more on fire than Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds.

3.

Get this...there's fucking more?!! Either it's getting to be so ridiculous at this point that it's bordering on cult wacky status or it's so bad that it makes the free dvd of Fools Rush In that I got with my dvd player seem like a goldmine. At this point Bacon shakes off the torched skin blues and is trying to snuff out Shue when he gets the end of a crowbar full force on the top of his head. I once played with a pair of numbchucks that a roommate in college had. I was whipping them around pretty light and I barely thwacked the side of my arm with it and it hurt pretty bad. If I got a crowbar slammed onto my head I'd ask for a pen to quickly write "leave everything to my mom" and then I would drop to the ground quicker than a shell-shocked Vietnam vet at a fireworks display.

4.

Ok, quickly recovering from the crowbar to the head he has his feet firmly planted in water and has his hands jammed into some circuit breaker for some nice Sing Sing type electrocution action (nevermind the fact that everyone else would get shocked too since they were standing in water also). Apparently this electrocution had much the same effect as in did on Bennet with his shock during the fight with Schwarzenegger at the end of Commando. Completely revitalizing. Fuck Herbel Essence shampoo - I'm jamming my dick in the outlet the first thing every morning if this is what it takes to get my day started right.

5.

Now as Shue and her nerd loser boyfriend try to escape by climbing the ladder inside the elevator shaft, the homemade nitro glycerin bomb centrifuge that Bacon so cleverly set to go off does exactly that. Kafuckingboom. Fireballs, Hades, space shuttle Challenger, buttcheeks melting together into one big ass butt - however you want to describe it I was under the impression that chances weren't looking too good this time. How wrong I was. Coming out of this mess is like some Japanese citizen at ground zero of the Hiroshima bomb being completely unaffected and in fact getting pissed and frantically trying to find a jetpack so he could shoot up to go kick someone's ass aboard the Enola Gay. Bacon finds his way to the shaft (hm...interesting choice of words) and reaches up for Elizabeth Shue while the camera's POV is gratuitously focused on her moneymaker wiggling as it climbed. Dumb fight ensues and then Bacon falls with the elevator to the fire from whence he came and this time he dies (why?). I may never be the same.