| Fri Jul 20, 2001:
Well, I lost my job at Whataburger - not that I care
that much - it sucked ass and I was gaining more weight
than I needed to. I hated this dude Gary that worked
there. He would always call me Fatty Arbuckle and Tubby
Bitch and I'd get so pissed at him. My last day he was
ripping on me for being fat and he was trying to jam
an apple pie in my mouth and I blew up and called him
a "cocksmoking buttslut".
Unfortunately I yelled it super loud - I'm pretty timid
but when I get mad I get really mad. Well, I turn around
and there was my manager and i turn my head and there
was like 3 super old muppet seniors in line at the counter.
They started causing a ruckus like they had been just
anally raped by a donkey and next thing I knew I was
fired.
This was 3 weeks ago. The first week after that I sat
at home a lot. I live in the basement at my parents
house which Cliff and Barney (my best friends) give
me shit about but hey - I get free meals and cable.
I guess when I was young I never though I'd be this
old and living at home and working at a fast food place
but christ - I've never gotten any breaks.
Anyway, I need to start watching my weight. With all
the free time by not being at work I'm still gaining
weight by chowing on chicken wings at home. I'm around
325lb right now - I've always been chubby but in the
last 2 years or so I've gained around 90lbs. There's
a big difference between 235 and 325 - I look at old
photos and it depresses me.
Well, I'm hungry - got some mozerella sticks that are
about done in the oven - will write more later!
Fri Jul 20, 2001
man - those fucking mozerella sticks were the bomb!
nothing beats those things except maybe m&m cookies.
Just got done pulling the balony pony. I've got a chronic
masturbation issue that I probably need help on. I'm
pretty old and I've kissed a few girls but I've never
done it with any. That's not up to me - I'm all for
it, just seems the opportunity never presents itself.
I used to whack it 4-5 times a day - before work and
right when i got home - couple more times in evening
and then once before bed. Now with my new paperboy job
(sucks ass i'll write more later) - I got most of my
day free and I've started slapping my noodle at least
9-10 times a day. I don't know what's wrong with me
- if it's out of plain boredom or if I'm just that horny
of a bastard. I think it's a combo. I mean sometimes
I will whack it and I can't even get a hardon. That
strikes me as kinda sad - like i'm zoned out watching
Bewitched and I'm just strokin but not even conscious
that I'm doing it. My mom rarely comes into my room
unannounced but what if she did? I'm fucking pulling
my pud to an old sitcom?
I've started eating it too - I know that's probably
totally fucked up but it seems that unless I envision
chugging it down afterwards when i'm done whackin',
I can't cum - and then when I do - I felt like I've
made a promise to myself and have to follow thru. It's
kind of nasty. I definately don't like it and need to
stop. Maybe I need some new porn.
SatJul 21, 2001
I was just listening to some Dokken - man those guys
rock so fucking hard. Breaking the Chains is an awesome
album. I downloaded the Dokken font a couple months
back and am gonna do my website in it if I ever get
around to it.
I went to Glam Slam Metal Jam a while back with my
friend Barney - it ruled! Warrant was the best - I wish
heavy metal would come back - fuck this punk alterna
shit out there - that crap belongs on mars! I'd put
any of those punk bitchs up against George Lynch any
day. That guy can scream on his guitar.
I been listening to this song off the new Quiet Riot
album too.....Rock the House it's called. Goddamn is
it good! They played it at Glam Slam Metal Jam live
and it was great - they're probably my #2 favorite group
of all time. I got 6 t-shirts of their's and this huge
ass quiet riot european import poster that's 12 feet
by 16 feet that takes most of my wall behind my tv.
On my wall behind my bed I got an average size poster
of the movie Trick or Treat which is my favorite of
all time. That and Legal Eagles - people always make
fun of me for that one but I think it's really good.
Ok...got a family sized totino's party pizza and some
french fries in the oven...yum - i could eat two of
those pizza's but I limit myself to one. will write
more later!
Sun Jul 22, 2001
I read that Don McLean's only job before becoming
a songwriter was being a paperboy. I wonder how long
he did it for cause let me tell you this loud and clear.
It sucks the proverbial donkey balls.
They need to reword the paperboys wanted ad at the
site where I got the job to: "Do you enjoy carrying
100+ lbs on your shoulder at 4:30am sunday morning?
Do you enjoy having the bag strap eat into your flesh
and having to switch shoulders every 20 feet to prevent
blood loss to your brain? How about getting up an hour
earlier before even starting and using your problems
solving skills to assemble the sunday paper in a time
consuming monotonous fashion? Do you enjoy getting morning
dew on your sneakers and getting this weird itchy fucking
rash from walking with wet sneakers that makes you want
to find a crowbar and thrash it between your toes to
relieve the irritation?"
Then there's shitheads that are awake and are like
waited with bated breath for you to come up their sidewalk.
Who the hell is awake at 6:20am on a sunday morning?
It's like if they don't read Marmaduke by noon their
day is blown. Feel like rolling up the coupon section
and jamming it up their asses
The job really tires me out too. I need to buy a golf
cart or something cause it's freakin too far to walk.
I stopped at a Mcdonald's when I was close to the end
of my route and got a couple breakfast burritos some
hash browns and 9pc mcnuggets. Had to sit down for a
few for a breather.
My second to last house I delivered to - this like
60 year old woman came out with cup of coffee to greet
me. She asked me my name and she seemed pretty nice.
She had some nice bobblers for being that old. I'm meeting
up with Cliff later today - he's trading me his copy
of Butt Banged Cycle Sluts for mine of Anal Island #4.
Time for lunch - making my famous triple layer grilled
cheese sandwich and tater tots. Sandwiches are so much
better with the third layer - i wonder why no restaurants
have caught on?
Sun Nov 11, 2001
holy fuck! I don't even know where to begin. How many
people have you ever known that were in a coma? Well,
my friends, yours sincerely was the past 3 months. I'm
very lucky to be alive. Of course it happened while
on my paper route. And if you're wondering "Did
your paperboy health insurance cover the massive hospital
bill while you were in a coma" I can assure with
a resounding "Fuck No!". Luckily I'm covered
on my Dad's health insurance.
Anyway, I'm 3 houses away from the older lady's house.
The one with the big fat nice titties. I'm thinking
about her and then blam. That's it. Next thing you know
I'm all - World Trade what? I fucking missed the new
Star Trek show Enterprise? There's no setting the vcr
to tape shit when you're in a coma. Getting back to
the story - after I come out of the coma I get the full
scenario. I got hit by a Whataburger delivery truck.
Can you believe that shit? The job that I quit comes
back to get ultimate vengeance.
Here's the stupid part. You're gonna go - shut the
fuck up to this part. My friend Cliff couldn't stop
laughing. He's not an asshole - he came and visited
me plenty of times but after I was gonna be OK he started
lightening it up. Back to what happened - the fucking
Whataburger truck clips my ass and sends me head fucking
first into a mailbox. Like on my head and shit - the
whole 9 yards. Like a goddamn cartoon. On top of that
- somehow the strap from the bag full of papers had
spun around my neck and the mailbox and was choking
me. I get all this from the Whataburger dude who contacted
me after I came out of my coma. He said he slammed on
his brakes and ran over to me and here is this fat kid
with a fucking mailbox for a head and a paperbag strap
wrapped twice around his neck. Anyway, he saved me by
undoing the strap and pulling the mailbox off my head.
Course when he pulls the mailbox off a part of my right
ear lobe got ripped off in the process. Isn't life grand?
So anyway, I wake up and it's October 23rd. Of course
I didn't know that. After doing all sorts of tests and
making sure I was alert and at full capacity they broke
it to me. The first thing that came to my mind was my
bid on Dokken's Live From The Sun album (japanese version)
that I had bid on Ebay the nite before the accident.
I was gonna pump up my bid a little later on in the
auction and I knew I had lost it. Mother Fucker!
The weird part was that I had lost weight during my
coma. 19lbs. Course I didn't feel really any different
cause I had been sitting on my ass the whole time. Sure
the nurse move you and shit to make sure you don't get
bedsores or whatever but I basically felt the same except
a little smaller. There's something about coming thru
on something like that where you feel like you need
to celebrate with the most fattening foods. I mean -
I didn't die so goddamn - Where is the fried chicken?
I've been eating so bad since I got home that I keep
telling myself that I got to stop. I had 10 mozerella
sticks for breakfast this morning. I once saw that movie
Fearless with Jeff Bridges. It was about a guy who survived
a plane crash and thought he was invincible or something
like that. It's been a long time since I've seen it
but that's what I remember. Anyway, I kind of feel like
that except more eating orientated. I don't remember
Jeff Bridges eating at any buffets in that flick.
Anyway, I don't know if I'm taking that paperboy route
up again or not. I think most people would be a bit
dubious about returning to a job where they got so severely
injured at. If anyone has any input I'd like to hear
it - I'm kinda living day to day for right now and my
parents seem to be happy having me relax for a while.
I'll be writing more later - for now I'm glad to be
around and I got a large double meat pizza ordered that
should be delivered any second now so I need to gather
up my money. I'll be writing more frequently now that
I'm not IN A COMA! see ya!
Sat Nov 24, 2001
Well, I have once again joined the workforce of America.
I'm am officially a Parking Lot assistant at Target
- or as some fucker in his F-150 yelled out his window
the other day "Cart Boy". It sucked cause
I had like 25 carts stacked into each other and was
trying to turn this weird angle to get them onto the
sidewalk and they all fell on their side. Fucking cars
all honking and shit and i'm trying to lift this like
10,000lb twisted cart pile into a standing position
and then this hick ass punk in a wifebeater pulls up
in his Ford and tells me to "move my fat ass"
and then calls me "cart boy". Since I was
in my first week of work - I didn't say anything and
had to fucking take each cart out sideways, one at a
time, to get them back on their wheels and in the corral.
That shit at the cafe in Target is pretty grubbin.
Couple hot dogs and a pretzel and big ass coke for lunch
hits ths spot. There's this hot bitch that works the
register that I want to nail except she looks at me
like i'm a leper. I don't know if she thinks she's better
than me cause she's working at the Target cafe and I'm
some lowly fucking peon in the parking lot but I know
she has one sweet ass that I'd like to plow.
I was looking thru the CD department - they got some
good fucking jams there - had a pretty extensive White
Lion section which was pretty cool. My friend Cliff
can do Mike Tramp pretty damn good - he always busts
up When the Children Cry with feeling and it makes me
laugh. I was trying to talk to that hot bitch about
music once and she was all talking about Slipknot and
Alien Farm Ants or some shit. No fucking clue who any
of those bands were. I told her I was big into Scorps,
Dokken, Dio etc... and she rolled her eyes. Why am I
smitten with this girl when she mocketh me so? sigh.
I'm going to make my hash toast thingie. I really need
a name for it. I take this can of Mary Kitchen's Country
Hash. The shit smells like dog food - my mom's fucking
mutt all starts barking whenever I open the can cause
it thinks i'm feeding it. Anyway, I toast some bread
- microwave the hash - put it on the toast wish some
ketchup and cottage cheese. Usually slam it down with
some lemonade - my god is it a feast for the pallot.
Ok - I'm boring myself - I'm gonna go exercise - got
some 2 1/2 lb dumbells at Play it Again Sports last
nite - I've gained 6lbs the last couple weeks and my
Mom was egging me on to keep the weight off from the
coma. I guess I should try. write more later.
Sun Mar 31, 2002
I was reading about this condition the other day. Some
sleepologists or some shit - they documentated a condition
where people were having violent sex dreams. Some would
try to fuck their mates while sleeping. Others would
violently masturbate while sleeping and then the patients
would wake up with sore genitals. This struck home to
me cause occassionally (once a week or so) I'll wake
up with my baloney pony kinda hurting.
Anyway, I got this shitty video camera from like 1989
so I hooked it into my vcr, slapped in a tape, set it
to ep mode so it would tape for 6 hours and then taped
myself sleeping. The first couple nights were nothing.
Trust me - if you thought fast forwarding thru a shitty
movie was boring - try going thru 6 hours of me sleeping.
Regardless, nothing abnormal although I did listen to
myself and I breath really fucking heavy when i sleep
and on day #2 I ripped a fucking awesome fart at about
3:34am (my alarm clock is in the background).
So the third time I taped myself sleeping - I woke
up with my pecker feeling like i slammed a concrete
block on it. I jumped out of bed excited to see the
video and FF'd thru the tape. At about 2:45am I saw
the sheets moving so I pushed Play and watched. Sweet
Jesus. It started out slow for about 9-10 seconds and
then you could see the sheets slam up and down around
like a fucking white squall. I put my hands to my mouth
- as if I was about to die on the video when of course
- here I was alive and well.
Anyway, after thrashing about like some some demonically
possessed auto-erotic epileptic for a minute - the sheet
finally flies off my body and I'm clutching my cock
like the last oar on a stranded rowboat. I swear to
god - the emotions that are involved watching something
like this. I felt like I was watching a snuff flick.
Just about went to call 911. I was grunting like Dom
Deluise doing push ups while all of this was going on.
Like a rutting pig. My hand was moving so fast and hard
I'm surprised I didn't start internally bleeding from
my fist banging on my pelvis.
All of this took about 4 minutes and stopped as quickly
as it started. Very fucking odd. I fast forwarded thru
the rest of the night and caught myself eating part
of a Ho-Ho on my night table. I don't remember this
at all. I wonder how much I'm eating in my sleep. I've
gained 45lbs since my coma even though I've been trying
to eat less fried food. I don't know what to do about
this sleep thing - how fucking embarrassing. Weird part
is I whacked it before going to bed that night.
Wed Jul 10, 2002
I stayed up until 4am last nite coming up with movie
titles (and eating a couple Totino's party pizzas) that
could be about farting based on their title:
days of thunder
the devil's gas
blown away
analyze this
hiroshima
new york ripper
paradise lost
rumble in the bronx
tremors
the gift
silent night deadly night
the great escape
a prayer for the dying
a shot in the dark
curdled
make them die slowly
the big squeeze
bringing out the dead
the fan
first strike
the flower of my secret
from hell
the fury
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