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Seniors love the Ballwalker®
Modern Mobility
America's #1 walker manufacturer for seniors has decided
to preinstall Penn 2 Tennis balls on the bottoms of the back two
feet. Citing a recent study that claims that 94% of crippled seniors
have accidently cut off a finger while trying to cut a hole into
a tennis ball in preparation for walker leg insertion, Ballwalker®
CEO Frank Norris claims that his product is THE must have gift for
any elderly citizen hellbent on hauling ass to the local Wildlife
Art exhibit.
"Seniors commonly utilize severely used tennis balls that they've
found 30-40 yards over the fence from a nearby tennis court." comments
Norris. "Old people are notoriously thrifty and many of our customers
have previous endangered their safety by using these well-worn used
balls. I've personally seen an old lady have a blowout in the Joann
Fabrics parking lot, fall down and rip her orange polyester pants
displaying a large enough hole to see her diaper."
Using a special double coated alloy that extends the life of the
ball to more than 3x the length of a regular tennis ball, old people
around the country are expressing their gratitude for a solution
that was a long time coming.
"I was on my way to buy reflective tape for my sneakers with my
Wilson tennis ball modded walker when the left ball blew out with
some ungodly noise." Jeremiah Stevens, age 83, thoughtfully strokes
his liver spot. "I clutched my heart thru my jogging suit and fumbled
for my heart pills. The walker was at an angle then and I slid to
the ground and broke 14 bones on the lawn. I was in the hospital
for 7 months. Wilson sent me a coupon for $2.00 off a basketball."
Indeed, according to Norris - Wilson tennis balls have been responsible
for a host of problems when combined in a symbiotic relationship
with walkers. Blow outs, uneven indentations, cracking and even
gaseous expulsions have thrown seniors against walls, down a flight
of an airplane's mobile stairs, into a hemp bracelet booth at the
Mountain Dew-sponsored X-games competition and even thru the storefront
window of DeathVomit Records.
"Wilson? I'd like to file a complaint..."
Seniors using the Penn-equipped Ballwalker® have found a second
life with its spritely mobility. "Me and some guys have started
up an all walker jai-alai team." a jubilant and 93 year old Ernest
Jones bubbles.
Sending away for the 20 minute promotional Ballwalker® video tape
includes footage of a 79 year old biathlete snowshoeing with his
walker and unloading his Izhmash Biathlon rifle in the direction
of the onlookers as opposed to the target. Narration compliments
his surefootedness but fails to discuss the legality of this improvisational
"people skeet" display.
When asked why Penn "2's" were chosen instead of perhaps a more
inspirational '1' choice, Norris comments "Senior citizens are second
class citizens... it seemed obvious to me."
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