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Polygons or Passed Out Pussy?
Xbox vs Gamecube vs Sorority Sluts
San Diego, CA - Everyone knows when there is more than one competing
game console on the market that you must pledge allegiance to one,
and only one console. For some, personal identity is at stake when
selecting which gaming unit they will unveil in their living room.
Axis or Allies? Mod or rocker? Supporting your chosen console company
is political in nature and will require you to post misinformation
about the lesser competitors on internet gaming forums. Calling
your sworn next-generation arch enemy names such as GamePube, GayStation
or ExBox is guaranteed to infuriate your opponents. Talking smack
about non-existent micro polygon support is a given.
The frat boy is one who loves video games. After being forced to
ram his nose into one of his fraternity brothers' rectum 31 times
during pledge week, the comfort of an alternate world being pumped
into his tv set is welcome. He loves to bond with his previous torture-mates
by playing DOA 3, drinking Bud Light and listening to the intricate
drumming of BTO in the background. Throw in a girl to gang rape
on Saturday nite and the frat boy is complete. But what if he had
to choose? Xbox or sorority ho? Gamecube or Budweiser? Since this
is far too complicated an issue to be thought out entirely in the
head - he would have to make up a comparison chart:
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Xbox vs Gamecube vs Sorority Ho
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Xbox
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Nintendo Gamecube
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Sorority Ho
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CPU
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733 MHz Intel
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405 MHz
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2 MHz
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Graphics Processor
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300 MHz custom-designed X-Chip, developed by Microsoft and
nVidia
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202.5MHz ATI Chip
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2 eyeballs that degrade in performance throughout the night
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Total Memory
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64 MB
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40 MB
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no memory after drinks
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Memory Bandwidth
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6.4 GB/sec
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3.2 GB/sec
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0.2 KB/min
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Simultaneous Textures
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4
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???
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One smooth texture supported, not wrinkly (bump-mapping)
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Compressed Textures
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Yes (8:1)
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Yes
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Yes, but textures become uncompressed after beer
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Full Scene Anti-Alias
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Yes
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Yes
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Yes, but blurry
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Micro Polygon Support
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Yes
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???
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huh?
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Storage Medium
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4x DVD, 8 GB hard disk
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???x DVD
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1.44 MB Brain - Reformats nightly
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Audio Channels
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64
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64
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9 channels on cell phone
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DVD Movie Playback
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Built in
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No
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No
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Game pad included
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Yes
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Yes
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No
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Maximum resolution
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1920 x 1080
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Unknown, but up to HDTV resolution
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Blurry
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HDTV Support
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Yes
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Yes
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No
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US Launch Date
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Fall 2001
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October 2001
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morning
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Sorority girl wins
The Verdict
For the frat boy - nothing on earth can possibly touch the poor
performance of a sorority girl. The limited variety of gameplay,
the dismal memory and blurry display of this console make for a
fresh gaming experience every night. In particular, a majority interviewed
enjoyed the grog induced auto-reformat feature of this console's
storage device that happens on a nightly basis.
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