garbage house news archives
Alabama is a vocal proponent
of Global Positioning.
9 of 10 Americans Lost
HOUSTON, TX - In a recent survey conducted by the Global Positioning
Commerce Department (GPCD) it was found that 9 out of 10 Americans
had at least one moment per day where they absolutely "did not know
where the fuck they were". The study was immediately attacked by
consumer advocate and global positioning watchdog William Canter
of the Flat Earth Society who believes the major push behind the
technology is purely to alert customers on services or products
to purchase on a geographic level.
"This is the first step in the the bar code neck implants. All
I need is for my cell phone to ring me with a flashing ad
alerting me whenever I am passing up a Grand Slam Breakfast at a
nearby Denny's. This survey was taken extremely out of context.
The questionnaires were handed out in specific demographics and
areas of the country where they could garner the results they desired
to perpetuate their sales. I mean come on, the information was
drawn from shanty dwellers in rural Alabama, residents near an old
chemical plant that has twice had a major environmental catastrophe
affecting the long term memory of area inhabitants, and a crowd
after a Kenny G concert."
When faced with the challenge of validating their report, the
GPCD fessed up that the original sampling might have not "been an
appropriate representation" and then subcontracted Analyst Inc.
to conduct a survey that was more extensive. Indeed, the survey
was done in traditional proper sense with a sampling group of 20,000
random calls from all areas of the United States. Shockingly, the
data corresponded with the GPCD study.
Some of the additional information added by participants was:
"I don't know about you but I have a panic attack unless I know
my latitude and longitude within at least a few clicks" - Joe, Indiana
"My wife is so fat - she could use it to find her feet. Damn straight
I could use that global gizmo" - Harry, AL
Positioning advocate.
"The other day I was driving down the road listening to some Hootie
on my way to work and I took a turn a block too early. My heart
jumped into my throat. I was lost. I know there was a 7-11, a Chevron,
a strip mall, and in the case of extreme need lots of residences where I could use a phone, and on top of it, a Rand McNally map in my car; but I freaked out. I think global positioning should be required
in cell phones, watchs, cars and on black children." - Jane, Wisconsin
|
